So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize