I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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