I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
4 words: hood of his car
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
