Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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