i don't like sucking hair
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I use my feet as sexual weapons
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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