What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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