i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
