i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
