i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
