She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
