there's paper in my vomit.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
