I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
