I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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