I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
