you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am midnight drunk by noon
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize