I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
