my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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