i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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