I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize