No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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