Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
