Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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