I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
