Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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