I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize