I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
