I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
