Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize