i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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