If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
