She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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