apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Is Oprah even human
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
