I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
