Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
