i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
