oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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