Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
