apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
