I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize