Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Randomize
