i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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