she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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