I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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