did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
