I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
