we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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