I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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