if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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