she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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