You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
