I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
