I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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