Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
