i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
