It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
