Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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