You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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